Still fishing. Will return around Thanksgiving, 2009 (I promise!!!).
I'm still checking in and reading up on people though. I know some people are going through tough times. I'm really hoping all of you find relief and good luck in these tough times.
- JCC

Gone Fishing (again).

Will Return in August, 2009.

- JCC

Forgotten Destiny

Throughout my life, I have always been a sucker for a good story. As I was growing up, I scoured all types of media - books, encyclopedias, television, movies, video games- to feed my lust for good stories. I particularly liked this one story about a boy named ‘Wart,’ who pulled the legendary sword Caliburn from the stone and became the legendary King Arthur. Another story I enjoyed was this one about a geeky kid who was bitten by a radioactive spider (or genetically engineered spider, depending on which media you like more), developed these superpowers and defended New York City from bad guys. Of course, nothing will ever beat the story about the kid who found out his father was not the pilot of a freighter, joined a rebellion against a tyrannical intergalactic empire, flew a super cool starship, blew up a space station the size of a moon, and became a galactic hero overnight (he also found out in the sequels that his father was the face of evil in the galaxy and the sinister force behind the rise of the empire, and that he french kissed his twin sister, but I digress).

From earliest childhood, my infatuation for these stories fueled a tremendous hope that one day, I could be that ‘chosen one’ in the stories. I always hoped that one day, something could happen to me, and that one event would catalyze my own story or legend. While other children wished to become doctors, lawyers, or engineers, I secretly wanted to be come a superhero.

And so, growing up, I often imagined that at any moment, my life would take a clichéd turn into fable. I dreamt that I would run into a psychic who would prophesize a great nascent power or ability within me. Or that a long lost uncle would come out of nowhere and reveal to me a mysterious family secret that would fall upon me to protect. Or that I would suddenly be teleported to another dimension and become the prophesized hero that saves that world. I was hoping for anything to happen- so much so that I probably would have even settled for being able to see dead people…

I wanted so badly for something to happen to me. I wanted something to thrust me in that position and allowed me to do something different that no one else could do. I wanted my life to take a surreal turn.

I sometimes feel like there could be something and my hopes spike. I have a very uncanny habit of thinking out of the blue of a random line or scene from a movie, only to see that movie playing on television within the next week or two. On occasion, I ‘feel’ things that become true only seconds later, such as predicting the next song that will be played on the radio, knowing that the next play in the baseball game will be a groundout to shortstop, or knowing what someone is about to say. In fact, when I was writing emails the other night and keeping tabs on the Twins-White Sox game, I had a sudden, strange feeling during the sixth inning that someone on the home team was going to hit a home run soon (The White Sox did hit a home run in the seventh inning and ended up winning that game 1-0).

But when something like this happens, though, I debate in my head whether I have some sort of extrasensory perception or am just really lucky at predictions, and the debate always ends with the same result: inconclusive. And because of this, I still harbor hope that at any moment, I’ll realize a secret ability and my own hero story will begin. But unlike that kid who was a glutton for hero stories, I’m older now, laden with responsibilities and forced to grapple constantly with the realities of life. These idealistic hopes and dreams of childhood and adolescence clash mightily with the harsh reality of adulthood. ‘Not everyone can be Harry Potter,’ it says, ‘and even if there was one or two out there living that life, what makes you think it was going to be you, and not one of the billions of other people out there?’ Every day is a cycle of hoping and wanting to become something marvelous, the internal chastising that follows for still holding such childish, unrealistic aspirations, and then, the fear that ‘if it hasn’t happened yet, the chances of it happening later are dwindling, even disappearing.’

I can’t help but wonder now- Am I looking for something that isn’t there? Am I a fool for holding on to this hope? Was I a fool for having held out this hope for so long? Was it wrong of me to have listened to all of those stories and believe that could be me?

Currently Listening Good News for People Who Love Bad News By Modest Mouse Float On see related

Give Me Cake.

This morning, I woke up at my usual time and did my usual routine. The laundry is starting to pile up, so I did some sorting and threw a load in the washing machine. I wasn’t in any hurry this morning, so I stopped and washed some dishes in the sink. My plans this afternoon include picking up some lunch, running some errands, and putting in some time on the Wii Fit. I gave myself a break tonight and scheduled no tutoring appointments. I didn’t make any other plans this evening- after all, I don’t have any money to go out, it is a weeknight, and tomorrow is another day.

But I’m BORED!!! And it’s my BIRTHDAY!!!

When you get older, your birthday seems to become just another day, doesn’t it? It isn’t like you hear a loud tick in your head and suddenly you feel one year older. You go through the same routine. You still have the same wants and needs. In fact, the birthday seems to go through a progression from a day of joy (as a child/adolescent) to a day of indifference to an eventual day of lamentation (My Dad told me when I called him on his birthday this past April that when one gets to be his age (he turned 59 this year), one doesn’t really look forward to his/her birthday).

I admit, my lack of lascivious plans for this evening is my doing, as I don’t usually advertise my birthday to other people. Call me crazy, but I will always feel vain during a conversation or out of the blue if I tell other people that my birthday is coming up (doesn’t it feel weird when someone else says that out of the blue?). And even if I did advertise my birthday, I just don’t feel comfortable receiving birthday gifts from people. I always feel so bad that whenever I receive a gift, I feel like I need to repay tenfold the kindness he/she is showing me.

So, here’s hoping for the impossible- a mind-reading friend to know it’s my birthday, buy me dinner, and provide me with many alcoholic beverages this evening. But more so, here’s hoping for something greater- the opportunity for some excitement and adventure worthy of lifelong remembrance…

The Volvo That Almost Killed Me

I often like to think of myself as a patient man who tries to give everyone a chance. But admittedly, this isn’t the case when it comes to driving. One of my biggest pet peeves is bad drivers- not so much people who can’t drive, but more so people who just choose to disobey the rules of the road. Something in me fumes whenever I see a person speeding by, weaving in and out of traffic, passing drivers on the right, crossing over solid white lines, taking up the turn lane at a light while preventing others from turning, and/or (sigh) driving on the shoulder.

Now, I admit that I am not perfect driver either, as I sometimes make mistakes and can occasionally draw an angry honk in my direction. But I have always been meticulous about doing my part to minimize the chances of an accident. Neither have I acted out against another driver (i.e. cutting someone off, tailgating, shining my brights, etc.). I understood from the first days I started driving that the rules were established for our safety, and I despise with tremendous wrathful animosity everyone who disregards them because they are selfishly endangering all of us.

But once this summer, I was tempted to cross the line and retaliate. Never in my life did I wish more ill will towards someone than I did that day.

After taking an exit off the Beltway around Baltimore, I found myself in the middle lane of another highway. I was heading home after running a few errands, and in no particular hurry. I was speeding up to match the speed limit of the highway I was on, when I steadily started coming up behind an old beige Volvo in my lane. I gave my turn signal, checked my blind spot, gradually moved into the left lane of the highway, and accelerated when the Volvo cut me off, narrowly missing my front bumper by about five or six feet.

I hit the brakes to avoid hitting the Volvo. I was more surprised and puzzled than anything else, and didn’t even think about honking. The Volvo slowed down to at least 20 miles per hour below the speed limit before suddenly speeding back up to the speed limit and leaving me in its wake. As I also accelerated back up to the speed limit, I watched the Volvo signal and move all the way to the right lane.

As I drove alongside the Volvo, I saw a woman a few years younger than me driving. She leaned towards me and batted her eyelashes at me as she smiled innocently, all of it a big Fuck You.

As I looked over, I was still stunned by her audacity. All I could muster was to mouth the words ‘What the Hell?’ several times. At first, I was trying to understand what was going on. Was she playing with me? I first thought. What did I do wrong? I wondered. My brain then shut down and I sped away.

But after about twenty seconds, my brain pulled me out of my shock and replayed what happened. It really did happen, I thought as the anger swelled. I became so furious and full of hatred that as I looked back in my rear view mirror at the Volvo in the distance, I began to seriously consider the strong temptation to do something in retaliation.

I don’t know what it was, but I turned away from the temptation. I still don’t know what it was- I could only remember a handful of times in my entire life that I was that furious, and yet, I still chose to do nothing. Like so many other times, I chose to walk (er, drive) away.

I got off the highway at my exit and sat on the off ramp, waiting there for about half a minute for the traffic to pass.

The beige Volvo got off at the same exit and ended up right behind me.

I’m still so surprised how after noticing her behind me, I didn’t even look back at her or consider doing anything to her, even for a split second. I had the golden opportunity to get back at her- but I didn’t even hesitate to drive away a second time.

Whenever I looked back upon what happened, I still felt so incensed. Even while writing this, I feel so irate. How could she be so stupid? How could she do something so dangerous and reckless? Why did she do that to me? Aside from maybe driving ten miles above the speed limit, I didn’t break any rules, written or unwritten.

But what infuriates me the most is the fact that I see that woman as an example of how hypocritical people in general are. While this is the first time someone has done something like this to me, I see so many other examples in daily life of how people take matters into their own hands and pull antics like this. They are so judgmental towards other people that they go to extremes. On top of that, they think of themselves as crusaders, feeling a sense of entitlement and justification to what they are doing. And scrutinizing and judging other people to the extreme is okay, because our public encourages it. In fact, the slightest transgression has to be commented upon by every single news commentator. Innocent until proven guilty seems to be forgotten- accusations are more than enough to label anyone a villain.

But the simple truth is that they conveniently choose to ignore the fact that they have crossed over the line and what they do endangers the lives of others. And worst of all, they choose to forget that who they are targeting are also human beings, regular people like themselves who are prone to mistakes like we all are.

They talk all of the time in the Presidential campaigns about how much we need change. Why should I believe they could change the world when the world is filled with hypocritical, insolent, selfish people who can’t even change themselves?